Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
