I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
