My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
