I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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