Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I need to wash the frat house off of me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
