not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
