I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You are a genius and a whore.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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