wakey wakey hands off snakey
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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