I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize