I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
