omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
