Umm I'm too high to move.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
