I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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