Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
