you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
