Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
