The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
