a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
