You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
