My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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