Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
