cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
