I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
