I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
