im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
