i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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