He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
