I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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