I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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