Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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