He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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