i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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