I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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