Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
