this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
