You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Someone came in the potted fern
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
