My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
