u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
420 ftw
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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