Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
