shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
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