Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
