I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
