I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
