A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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