You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
