Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize