she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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