Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
