So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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