this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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