watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
