I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
