She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
