I am puke
Apparently you make a good broom.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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