I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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