im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We got so high we made milksteak
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
