I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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