I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
