she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
